Coping With Loss - One Step at a Time
Grief is a complex emotion. And when you're in the throes of it, you may find it difficult to do almost anything else, even complete simple tasks. It's common to feel indecisive, even about trivial matters. Many people just want the pain to end but are convinced it never will.
But life goes on, and you, the one grieving, need to go on, too. Though you may not be able to function at pre-loss capacity for a while, there are steps you can take to ensure that your life doesn't fall apart while you're in the midst of your grief. Here's what the experts advise.
What to do
Be patient with yourself. Expect, for a time, that your functioning will be impaired. Sometimes it helps to let those around you know about your grief. Ask for help in staying focused. Find someone who can even take over some mundane or basic tasks until you are yourself again.
Find a listening post. Good listeners don't tell you to get over it, give advice, regale you with stories of their own or tell you how to fix it. If it were that easily done, you would have done it by now. Look for someone who is patient and kind. You may identify good listeners through a grief support group, religious adviser, best friend, sibling, sympathetic colleague or psychotherapist.
Remember that grieving is not completed in a day or a month or a year. You are not just grieving the lost person or job or health or hometown. You are letting go of an integral part of yourself that was a large part of who you are. It takes time — sometimes a very long time. As time passes, your pain will begin to subside. Be prepared, however, to experience periods of rawness — usually when least expected.
Talk about it, cry about it and sit with it. When you have done enough talking, thinking and finding ways to cope with your loss, you will notice the emotional charge begins to dissipate. It doesn't have to be a moment of awakening where you suddenly find enlightenment; you will simply begin to feel different. You will be forever changed by your experience, but you will feel that you can finally get back to being yourself.
What not to do
Don't be too strong for your own good. Surround yourself with people for whom you don't have to put on a brave front. In a work setting that may mean soliciting an understanding colleague to run interference for you. It also may mean opting out of everyday tasks for a time. Grieving is an act of great courage and strength; it is not for the weak.
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Published with permission from AARP